Birch and Fern

I miss the stars of the north. The way that they were everywhere I looked at night, bright and shining as if they could still remember their purpose when not disturbed by city lights.

I’ve always loved northern Wisconsin. I’ve longed to go there from time to time since my life got so busy that it never seemed to happen more than once or twice a year. Until a month ago I hadn’t spent more than three days in a row up there since I was 14. I think the three day limit was keeping me safe from the constant longing I’m now struggling with. Three days was okay, it was enough to continue my affair with the birch and fern, but not enough to lead to true love. The north was a mistress and nothing more. But the nine days I spent up there in September led to love—and love leads to irrationality.

"In the woods we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life--no disgrace, no calamity (leaving me my eyes), which nature cannot repair."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last week Tuesday I took a sick day and actually considered driving four hours north at 6am, spending the day at my parent’s place up there, and driving back at around 8pm. After quite the struggle I talked myself out of this gas and money-guzzling adventure. The fact that I even considered something as irresponsible as this, however, shows how much I miss it there.

I wonder sometimes how it is that I ended up living in the city. I love the culture of this town and the accepting nature of most people here…but all I want is to live in the country these days. Although I’m sure as soon as I got there I’d miss everything being so close. I remember when I was around twelve I wrote a poem called Country and City Girl showing my conflicting viewpoints on where I’d like to live. Those conflicts haven’t really been resolved.

I want to go to grad school next year but I’m not sure the idea of living in an even bigger city than the one I’m in now is a good one. I will be further north, but a north filled with sound barricades and traffic isn’t one I particularly look forward to. I guess I have some more thinking to do.

“The richness I achieve comes from Nature, the source of my inspiration.”

-Claude Monet