Sometimes Lessons Learned Need to be Reiterated

“Play hard to get”

“You need to act uninterested”

“Be unavailable for awhile”

This is advice I have been given time and time again, and as many of you know, I don’t take advice very well. The moral of the entire Thanksgiving holiday was simply that I am fed up with men—and I don’t know why I bother at all. I know, I know, same old story from good ole’ Amelie, complaining about men…blah blah blah.

But here’s the thing, men, listen up. Women are not always at fault when things don’t work out. That isn’t exactly earth shattering, but getting it off my chest is important. Also, one night stands don’t necessarily get taken in the same way by both parties. I have had this reversed on me, so I can’t hold much blame—but it’s annoying as hell when one party thinks nothing of it, and the other really thinks there was a connection. This will be a major philosophical insight for the history books: avoid one night stands.

I sound like a religious freak now, but randomly sleeping with people is never a good idea. I don’t care if you know them, care about them, or just met them—it still doesn’t ever work out well. You fall for them, they fall for you, or you feel like a total hung-over whore the next day. Breaking up with someone you aren’t dating, but slept with, is a messy situation. It is also no fun at all to sit by a phone waiting for someone to call that you inadvertently fell for when sleeping with them.

So, girls and boys: random make outs at bars are fine, but don’t take someone home you aren’t dating, it just turns out messy, annoying, and infuriating in the end.

I am not innocent here—I have both inadvertently and purposefully played guys in the last year. I have watched as I crush them when we weren’t even dating, and lacked the emotional response I assumed I should be having. I have ignored phone calls, listed people in my contacts list as “do not answer”, blocked people on Facebook, and mostly been a total bitch. Having the situation reversed on me makes me neither feel guilty or innocent; mostly it just makes me angry.

I can play hard to get like a champion…until I get more than three drinks in me. With that I decide I am in love (only takes two drinks if it’s wine) and I decide that I am nearly an old maid and should go for it. I act like I would if I just found my true soul mate and likely end up at least kissing them. As I have learned time and time again, soul mates aren’t quite so perfect when sober—and lead to awkward situations.

The real problem is, that I typically have at least three drinks in me—so how on earth can I find a man? I think the answer is simple—I need to choose: alcohol, or men.

I think alcohol is a more reliable choice.